Letting Go of a Toxic Relationship Across Cultures

How can we recognize the cycle, reclaim our identity, and replace the addiction?

Letting go of a toxic relationship and the trauma bond it created isn’t just about “fixing” yourself—it’s about untangling the web of manipulation, unmet needs, and misplaced self-worth. Let’s explore this journey that left me heart feening and pecker retreating.

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Recognizing the Cycle

Trauma bonding thrives universally on a loop of kindness and hurt—a toxic rollercoaster of validation and betrayal. In every culture, this cycle creates confusion and reinforces emotional dependency. However, how people recognize and address this cycle often reflects cultural attitudes toward relationships and conflict.

• Individualistic Cultures (cultures prioritizing the individual over the collective group—common in the West): The recognition process often begins with open dialogue and self-reflection, facilitated by therapy or personal writing. Survivors are encouraged to dissect patterns objectively, often finding clarity through cognitive-behavioural approaches that separate emotional reactions from facts.

• Collectivist Cultures (cultures that emphasize harmony, duty, and interdependence—common in the East): The cycle might be less openly discussed due to societal pressures to maintain harmony or protect the family’s reputation. Reflecting on this dynamic often involves seeking wisdom from elders or trusted confidants, emphasizing relational wisdom over individual analysis.

Regardless of culture, writing about the moments of love and betrayal—whether privately or as part of a shared healing practice—remains a transformative tool. Psychologists also note that articulating the narrative helps survivors reframe their experiences, creating distance from the abuser's control.

However, I’m not sure “abuser” is the right word. For one, I’m not into the whole victimhood narrative. Two, viewing the insults, cheating, and betrayals as products of someone’s past, not their true character, made it easier to forgive. Three, the happy memories: all the laughter, travel, intimacy, the effort they put into gifts, the way they reflected my soul, shared past-life dreams—

Sometimes, the “survivor” can’t let go and becomes their own abuser.

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Setting Boundaries That Stick

Cutting ties is easier said than done. Trauma bonds often create an illusion of “unfinished business,” making survivors feel guilty for trying to leave and absolutely worthless if they get left.

• Western Perspectives: Boundaries are viewed as empowering acts of self-care. Tools like blocking on social media or ceasing all communication are common, reflecting a belief in the individual’s right to peace.

• Non-Western Perspectives: Setting boundaries may involve more subtle or indirect strategies to avoid open conflict. Survivors might limit interactions while maintaining formal politeness, especially in cultures where direct confrontation is discouraged.

For both, the challenge lies in consistency. Research suggests that having an accountability partner—someone who supports you in maintaining these boundaries (in my case, my bro telling me I sound like a heroin addict)—can significantly reduce the likelihood of relapse into unhealthy dynamics.

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Replacing the Addiction

Trauma bonds mimic addiction. Breaking the cycle requires finding healthier, more fulfilling replacements.

• Western Approaches: Activities like therapy, exercise, and journaling are emphasized as steady sources of joy.

• Non-Western Approaches: Spiritual practices, community service, and traditional healing methods often take precedence.

Research shows that consistent engagement in nourishing activities rewires the brain, reducing the emotional dependency created by trauma bonds. However, for those of us who exercised and ate healthy long before the trauma bond, it’s not much of a replacement, unfortunately.

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Reclaiming Your Identity

Rebuilding your sense of self after leaving a toxic relationship is central to recovery. This process often intersects with cultural narratives about identity and purpose.

• In Individualistic Cultures, identity is often framed in terms of personal achievements and preferences. Survivors might be encouraged to rediscover hobbies, career goals, or creative outlets. For instance, journaling and art therapy are popular tools for expressing and reclaiming identity in Western contexts.

Unfortunately, writing as a career requires recognition to succeed, and when you have an unhealthy need for recognition, it can turn toxic, too. So, if you’re anything like me, I recommend the collectivistic culture approach.

• In Collectivist Cultures, identity is closely tied to family, community, and traditions. Rediscovery may involve reconnecting with cultural roots or communal activities that reinforce a sense of belonging. Practices like traditional dance, music, or storytelling can serve as personal and communal healing forms.

In summary, months of therapeutic advice have come down to the following: dance, sing, show kindness to everyone, connect with those who love you for who you are, not what you achieve, and remember why you got into your craft in the first place—to play and explore.

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Releasing Emotional Attachments

Grieving the relationship and its unfulfilled promises is an essential step toward freedom. This process often reflects cultural beliefs about loss and healing.

• Western Approach: Emotions are often processed individually through activities like therapy, letter-writing, or symbolic acts like tearing apart a letter, then trying to glue it back again, burning a letter, writing it by memory, burning it again, and then typing it up and keeping it on a hard drive in your cupboard). These practices align with a cultural emphasis on personal catharsis.

• Indigenous and African Traditions: Healing often involves community participation. Rituals like storytelling, dance, or group ceremonies symbolize emotional release and provide communal support. Such practices reinforce the idea that healing is a shared journey.

Symbolic acts are powerful across all cultures. Whether burning a letter, releasing it into the ocean, or participating in a healing ritual (ayahuasca, anyone?), these acts help externalize internal struggles, providing closure and a sense of liberation.

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Flipping the Script

One of the hardest parts of breaking a trauma bond is reframing the relationship. Cultural differences can shape how survivors reinterpret their experiences.

• Western Cultures: Reframing often involves therapeutic tools like cognitive restructuring, which help survivors differentiate between love and control.

• Eastern Cultures: Dialectical thinking—accepting contradictions in relationships—can aid survivors in processing conflicting feelings. This approach reflects philosophical traditions like Buddhism, which emphasizes acceptance and balance.

Psychologists suggest keeping a tangible list of the abuser’s harmful behaviours. Revisiting this list when nostalgia strikes reinforces clarity and prevents romanticizing the past.

But I’ve noticed this list can make me feel insane. How could I have let someone cheat on me several times, lie to family and friends, wake me up with yells and cries in the middle of the night, interrupt my work, and threaten to leave me if I didn’t give in to demands? If they no longer want me after giving in, was I the problem all along? Why wasn’t putting them before everything and everyone else enough? Why am I never enough?

The truth is, you can forgive them because they never meant to abuse you. Lies come easily to people with certain trauma symptoms. They suck you into their story, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to change. Since they held the power in the relationship by bonding you through trauma, they were the ones who could walk away. You are not worthless. You are enough. You didn’t love yourselves enough to love each other properly. You can forgive and love them, but to truly heal, you must learn to love yourself enough to stay away.

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Final Thought

Letting go isn’t an overnight process, but with time, effort, maybe a good ol’ shroom trip, and a cultural understanding of your healing journey, this person's hold on you weakens. You’re not broken—you’re human. Every step you take strengthens the foundation of your future freedom. So, for now, let’s fucking dance.

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Further Reading

1. "An Exploration of the Relationship Between Culture and Resilience Capacity in Trauma Survivors"
   Read more on ResearchGate

2. "Investigating Cultural Differences in the Effects of Expressive Suppression When Processing Traumatic Distressing Material"
   Read more on Cambridge.org

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