Sex, Condoms, Feminism, Polyamory, and Barbie With Emmanuelle Maréchal

A healthier discourse concerning feminism, masculinity, equality, and sex.

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

Is there a healthier and more productive approach to conversations concerning feminism, equality, and sex?

That’s the central question I explored with

Emmanuelle Maréchal

from

Le Journal Curioso

. She’s a curious French-Cameroonian multilingual fashion professional who writes unapologetically about her industry and the African diaspora in Europe. After fourteen years of roaming around Europe, she decided to call a small town in Apulia, Italia, home.

In other words, she’s foreign as fuck, just like I am. Part of living a life without borders para salir de las fronteras que impone tu mente is finding a community of people who are inescapably foreign.

One of the reasons I’m exploring slow travel on my quest to the North of Sweden is to meet people with backgrounds, ideas, and beliefs different from my own. By using trains, buses, and our feet to reach our destinations, we’re forced to slow down, meet people along the way, and hopefully diversify our perceptions of the world. After all, diversity is the key to any thriving habitat, culture, or person.

As someone who prefers 30-hour bus trips to 2-hour flights across Europe,

Emmanuelle Maréchal

would agree.

As with many of my relationships these days, my friendship with Emmanuelle started with Notes.

By the way, if you’re still letting apps like Instagram, Facebook and TikTok steal your attention with ads while ruining your dopamine, polarising your views, and destroying your mental health, it’s time to make the switch.

Thanks to

JD Goulet

’s post about an out-of-order condom dispensing machine, Emmanuelle and I ended up having a conversation about feminism that showed how people from completely different backgrounds can break bread with a topic as triggering as feminism.

Emmanuelle: I lived in Germany for a couple of years and went to a brothel for a photoshoot. I was happily surprised to learn the German government enabled them. Living there, it was interesting having friends invite me to go to a porn fair and seeing how nudity wasn't a thing. I lived in Munich, and in the Englischer Garten, there is a whole area dedicated to nudity. I believe the way they learn to grow and get used to nudity also determines how they view sex more healthily than my fake-ass, "open-minded" country called France. The conversations around sex AND feeling also felt more in-depth. It doesn't mean it wasn't an easy conversation, but once it was started, it felt natural and sincere.

Spain is a country that I believe has this culture of talking about "controversial" topics through the politico-social lens (correct me if I'm wrong, Nolan Yuma), which allows healthy conversations despite their patriarchal society.

Nolan: I completely agree, Emmanuelle. It's interesting how many outsiders have a perception of France being so sexually free, but I've noticed what you said. Also, you're right about Spain. I've only spent 3 months in Germany, but the ability to talk and act freely and honestly about sex seems similar to here. Although, Germany seemed less macho and patriarchic to me.

Emmanuelle: It's not only outsiders but French people themselves. I think our education and culture highly contribute to making us feel we are an open-minded people and culture, but our political landscape and the laws our current government is enforcing prove the opposite. E.g., the president proposed monitoring women's fertility as natality is declining.

What you say is so interesting because there is also a big element of machismo in Germany, but it is more around the family. We focus so much on femininity and feminism that we don't delve deep into the different types of masculinity in societies. This would help us understand why Southern Europeans are perceived to be more macho than other Europeans.

The conversation switched from Notes to private DMs.

Emmanuelle: Can I say something 'controversial' from the get-go? I don't recognize myself in feminism because it's very binary.

Nolan: Hell yeah. I also don't recognise myself in Western feminism; however, I do feel part of some indigenous and matriarchal approaches to feminism because they're more about teamwork and focusing on how women can connect to the earth. Sometimes, I think in ways men can't.

Emmanuelle:  Western feminism is capitalist. It sells. That's why we have films like Barbie. I'd be interested to hear more about indigenous and matriarchal approaches. But one thing I'd say is that growing up in Cameroon, I've observed very patriarchal societies (I use the plural here because Cameroon has so many ethnic groups), but with Christianism, patriarchy changed form. You know, just the change from polygamy to monogamy changed the societal structure. There is a whole generation of women who were in charge of their families simply because their husbands passed away because of illnesses and work. It is the case for both my great-grandmothers and other Cameroonian friends I have talked with whose great-grandmothers or grandmothers lost their husbands quite young. This said they perpetuated very patriarchal patterns.

I should mention something I forgot to add: with polygamy, women had to be a team. With monogamy, this dynamic changed.

Nolan: What was your opinion about Barbie? To me, the media hype was expected, but the fact that so many people loved and respected the movie drives me insane. I don't see how a "feminist" message laden with superficiality, materialism, simplistic dialogue, a formulaic plot, 2-dimensional characters, and cheap jokes is ground-breaking. It was entertaining; that's it. 

Also, seeing some of the big names here on Substack write about Barbie like it was some turning point for feminist messages in the movie industry drove me insane. This is what people like, share, and read? But that's probably more of a reflection of my own insecurities. The popularity of movies like that makes me feel I don't fit in with the average Westerner. That's fine. But the fact that respected writers fall for that BS makes me confused, and I feel I might not fit in with that community, either.

Also, do you think polygamy could create a healthier version of feminism? I personally cherish the feeling of monogamy. Finding the one person you want to be intimate with for the rest of your life is special to me. But I know a lot of this comes from culture, so I was down to change my ideas in the past... until I realized a lot of this open-relationship shit is just people who want to sleep around and frame it as "It takes real strength, not to get jealous." No, it takes real strength to commit to someone.

I mean, if polygamy comes from "let's create a stronger team," then I get it. But if polygamy comes from "I just want to feel like I can do what I desire at that moment," then fuck it. I won't judge others, but that's not for me.

Emmanuelle: I didn't watch the movie, but there were a lot of scenes I saw, or I got spoilers rightly reading some big names here on Substack who wrote about it. As someone working in fashion, the hype around the clothing and the brands the actors wore was overwhelming. It was a big marketing win, but all the hype around it convinced me not to watch it even more. I shouldn't judge a book by its cover and form an opinion about something I didn't fully see, but as a child, I never owned a doll, let alone a Barbie. 

 I grew up in a very traditional family with a dad who worked and a stay-at-home mom. Though I clearly believe that a parent staying at home to raise children is respectable and therefore should have a remuneration, I also believe what I saw as a child was an unbalance in the relationship. I always felt my dad could do more and had more freedom than my mom. I know he had responsibilities, obviously, but seeing my mom being dependent on him made me want to be a boy because, in my child's eyes, "Dad can drive when mom can't, dad can pay for the groceries when mom can't, dad can go anywhere he wants when mom can't, etc." 

So, playing house, which is what Barbie was for me, essentially meant reenacting dynamics in a relationship I didn't like. I think the people who wrote about the movie positively didn't make the difference between entertainment and feminism, or they co-opt (un)consciously to this idea of a superficial femininity and feminism. It is not easy to shake off core beliefs when Barbie has literally been part of our culture and upbringing.

And about Polygamy. I don't think polygamy is a healthier version of feminism because it is often men who benefit from it, not women. And I say it like this because of my background, where I've always seen men have multiple wives and not the other way around. 

Now, I think in the West, people have a lot of confusion about polygamy and open relationships. But in both cases, dialogue and honesty are needed for them to be healthy. And these are two things people often skip...so I understand where you are coming from. Polygamy requires, in my opinion, an openness with yourself and all the people you are married to. But my feeling is that people talk about it without really thinking of the depth of trust between all the parties involved.

Also, I believe polygamy is also societal in the sense that it is possible in societies where the base is community, not individualism. 

To give you an example, my grandfather was Christian, but he had a mistress with whom he had a son. Each Sunday after mass, he took his 11 children and my grandmother (his wife) to his mistress's house. He had a son with that woman and wanted all his children to get along. Fast forward to today, and my uncle calls my grandma 'mom' and feels even closer to her as his biological mom passed a couple of years ago. When I observed this, I could not believe it because I wasn't raised in a society where such a thing is tolerated, yet I witnessed it with my family. And I think it was possible because polygamy was a thing in my family ethnic group before Christianism arrived. Some things stayed despite colonialism. And this story is the proof.

Well, I have talked a lot about myself, but I find it intriguing that you said you didn't find yourself in Western feminism. How did you realize this? What made you question Western feminism? How did you come across other forms of feminism?

We started our conversation because of your notes and talked about masculinity, too. Where do you stand when it comes to your masculinity? I am asking this question because I don't think we ever ask men how they feel about their masculinity or conforming to society's rules that surely gave them privileges but also took away many other things from them. 

Nolan: What turned me off of Western feminism is how individualistic it is. It's a lot of "me, me, me," and how to prove they don't need a man. I don't know the stats, but from personal observation, I know many men getting cheated on or left the second things aren't perfect. Of course, there's a chance I don't know the whole story, and it might be more of a generational thing, but people throw things away as soon as it isn't exactly what they wanted. 

Indeed, we rarely ask men how they feel about masculinity or conforming to society's rules. Look, I recognize that men have a lot of privilege. Most societies are built in favour of men, and we have a long way to go to find equality. Hell, we have a long way to go when it comes to understanding women's cycles as well. Menstruation should be celebrated and seen as something beautiful and powerful. Instead, we make it something to be embarrassed about. That's something I learned from the Bri-Bri people's matriarchal society. 

And look, even now, I'm having a hard time actually answering your question. I'm conditioned to feel it's wrong to share my struggles as a man. The patriarchal society deemed it wrong to talk about our struggles, and Western feminism only perpetuated it. 

Sure, now we're told it's good to cry, let it out, and talk about our feelings. But that's not true. If I cry out of empathy, a woman will respect that. If I cry out of self-pity, a woman will be turned off. If I genuinely break down and fall into a depression, a woman will feel less secure. Maybe these are generalizations, but it's true from my experience. Although the workforce has become more equal, we are still expected to act like providers. 

There has been a lot of change (a lot for good), but when you're framed as the enemy—the enemy that needs to listen, shut up, be strong, sensitive, caring, and independent all at the same time, it's not easy. I'm not saying this as a way to say, "Boohoo, we have it hard, too," but to show that we are a team going through changes. We need to learn and grow with each other, not apart.

Emmanuelle: I asked you about masculinity because it is the part that is missing in feminism. And I understand what you explain. Having privileges doesn't mean men are not bound to society's high expectations, and when they don't respond to them, the fall might be hard. 

The way the media presents feminism makes it look like a fight against men, but wouldn't it be good to reframe parentality by taking men into account? I say that because I find it outrageous in some countries how people clap because men are given 2 weeks of paternity leave when I believe they should be given the same amount of time as their partners. Doing so might help have more balance in families.

I am sensitive to this topic because I discussed it with my brother, who is a father of two. Right now, he has decided to stop working to spend time with his children. This choice hasn't been well received by my mother because' a man should be working,' but I see my brother much happier and the oldest one valuing the time he is spending with his father. 

I enjoy reading the newsletter Raising Myles by Marc Typo, a father writing letters to his son, rightly because it is a beautiful example of what paternity can be. Paternity is part of masculinity, too, but it is often not discussed or put against motherhood.

I wonder if we will, one day, manage to reach a balance where we would see people say, 'Yes, men have privileges, but how can we make it so to have a society where men support women and vice versa.' 

To have a symbiotic approach so that we can talk easily about men being cheated on or abused without the stigma attached to them. Talking about masculinity, not only its toxic traits, should be part of the conversation in feminism because it is not only men who perpetuate patriarchy but women, too. 

Once we agree on that, instead of always pointing fingers at patriarchy and men, I believe feminism will evolve.

From there, the conversation went on to how to survive 30-hour train and bus trips in Europe, which is precisely what I did to get to Turin, Italy, from Castellon, Spain. 

What’s coming up?

“Culture-bound Anxiety: My internal journey in Turin, Italy.”

• You’ll get insight into culture-bound anxiety disorders and my mental health journey in Milan.

“Turin’s Cuisine, Parks, and Divinity: The External Journey.”

• An interview with my couch surfing host and local tour guide, as well as my thoughts as a tourist in Turin.

Want to know more?

About Born Without Borders

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Born Without Borders

. At the end of every journey, I write a book. You can find my first one, Living with the In-Laws, on Amazon. Paid subscribers get a free Kindle or PDF edition. Founding members get a signed paperback.

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