Did you ever notice how the world just happens to some of us, and then we wonder why?
Why did life send me winging off into so many interesting nooks and crannies around the globe, instead of chaining me to a cubicle to spend my life reviewing stacks of Form 73509-C Rev.3.7 and filing them?
Some say I was lucky; others say I was condemned. I say I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, but maybe take a better multi vitamin supplement just to be on the safe side.
Hello Nolan. You are such a considerate and thoughtful writer--that is what speaks the loudest to me when reading your essay. Thank you for that kindness. Sorry to hear about your break. It tenderizes our hearts, I think--the pain--and can make our hearts kinder toward one another...which you are clearly doing through your writing and experiencing of the world.
Looking forward to more of your wise and warm writing!
"making her feel like a partner, not a wife." There is so much here. I am gonna comment on this after I've thought about it (and it relates to your post's focus), but this is a big one. Also, hands and energy and how we feel intention. Huge.
So...the concepts of what makes a husband, or wife, or partner are connected into our deepest narratives (what we learned and grew up with, but also old cultural stories). https://narrativeinitiative.org/blog/narrative-change-a-working-definition-and-related-terms/ and this division of genders, and thus our roles, becomes embedded generation after generation right? And even if we have some new stories (I think of the 1970's ad for Enjoli perfume which was all about a woman who can "bring home the bacon" but "never let her husband forget he's a man" which sort of signified the chaos that was feminism, work and home roles, and what "being a woman/wife" was) those new stories have not yet deeply supplanted the older deeper ones, so there is conflict dissonance. And that is not usually a good feeling at all.
I know in my own marriage I have struggled with feeling like the husband at many times, but also the wife (in terms of home and child labor), even as I think he and I have been quite equitable given the cultural and historical circumstances in which we were brought up. We do, for the very most part, feel like partners, but I can hear the voices pick at me about things. Like when the school nurse calls me and not him. But I'm at my high paying boss lady job, so why am I the mom when he's working from home? Etc. (we worked all that out, but it was a key example)
But there can be that weird little inner energetic response, "But am I not woman enough for you to be...or am I not man enough for you to be..." What is a wife or a husband anyway? What did it mean to her (rhetorical, you don't have to answer) and what does it mean to me.
We are seeing a huge push in the influencer world for trad relationships, finding the "divine feminine or masculine" and ads for con-artist/coaches to help you find your truly masculine mate by submitting into your divine feminine and I mean fuck that shit.
What does that even mean? It means there are huge shifts from the deeper narrative of male/female and is a terrified reaction to the expansive beauty that is trans and nonbinary! Often these trad roles are very very white as well, so there are racist/racial fears at play as well. All to make a dollar, as well, those coaches.
I mean why can't we just be more free about equal partnering and play with those power narratives within BDSM or kink or whatever? Why make it a whole cultural movement? Because the culture is still within those old, old stories.
Which are exacerbated by family stories (as you noted in your personal example, mythologies, movies, scripts, and images.
As for the energies, that's something we truly need to delve into more and more what we can feel from a person, and how it counts in the power dynamics. Our bodies know before our minds right? What is safe and good? What is creepy and bad?
A good piece, Nolan. We have so many new narratives to create to shift the old ones and I hope we all get the chance to do that and bring people along into a better world.
Our bodies can lie too-lord knows we've all kept dating someone due to what our bodies wanted, even if our minds (and friends) were like dump that one. But I do think our bodies can tell us important information and at best we cross check and see where the dissonance is coming from.
As for the hegemonic jerks, they've always existed, which is why we find our heresies and push for them. Off to the "real" job.
a) oh wow. thank you for the shout- out. I considered only yesterday but now I have this
b) perfect place to say that sometimes I would be, like "Nolan, what did you do, you just showed me Another Great writer to read, omg, I'm spending here so much time already, have mercy"-but you have none, lol, and I read more and more. It's not only you-but yeah, you're there, very prominently. As a writer and as a..ok I suck at physics. But some very clever explanation of a conductor(or semi-conductor?) was meant to be here.
c) (why it's always letters with me? I also tend to forget their order after, like, five) I thought when younger there are 3 people inside me. One was a kid, a little boy, and I liked being him the most. Another one was a woman(or an older girl, doesn't matter). She was more of a dangerous force. I myself could hardly predict her. She appeared later as well.
Yet another one was old, and had no gender. He(?) would be very ancient part. Wise. And observing.
Then I thought: it's just me.
Then at some point I read some Freud's work and was "oh actually it's a bit like his Id, Ego, and Superego".
Now I think "not exactly"
d) I was at reiki once-didn't want myself, but sorta was asked to try. Friend of a family.
I don't know what happenned there but I became close to sobbing. It was scary. I never went back. Never thought about it much either. Now when reading I think-maybe there are others, you know? fourth, fifth, sixth? reiki almost let them break through?
e?) how on Earth do you do that-I always share here some stuff I wasn't going to, or at least not in public comments? nobody needs it as well.
some other letter) interestingly, Judaism recognises 6 genders (minimum) and that's only going by something that can be observed and measured, to a degree. Learned about it recently
?) I started writing about how I don't like circles either. and then remembered that if by any chance I lead them and kids are really little it's okay. And I need to think why is that. Maybe because it's much more of geniune wonder involved, right from the get-go?
Thank you, and as always-I am sorry. For leaving a long-winded comment. Should take it as my signature already.
I'll take the long comments as your signature! You have a style nobody else can replicate. And “Judaism recognises 6 genders (minimum).” I had no idea! I will look into that some more. I'm surprised more people don't bring that up in the conversations around gender.
This was a beautiful piece. I understand some things better because of it. About myself, my partner, and more of the world around me. I hope all that find you learn as much.
Thanks, Michael! We're figuring it out and living apart for a while. We actually never had a chance to date. We pretty much lived together since the day we met because we got quarantined together.
Thanks, Nolan.
Did you ever notice how the world just happens to some of us, and then we wonder why?
Why did life send me winging off into so many interesting nooks and crannies around the globe, instead of chaining me to a cubicle to spend my life reviewing stacks of Form 73509-C Rev.3.7 and filing them?
Some say I was lucky; others say I was condemned. I say I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, but maybe take a better multi vitamin supplement just to be on the safe side.
Hello Nolan. You are such a considerate and thoughtful writer--that is what speaks the loudest to me when reading your essay. Thank you for that kindness. Sorry to hear about your break. It tenderizes our hearts, I think--the pain--and can make our hearts kinder toward one another...which you are clearly doing through your writing and experiencing of the world.
Looking forward to more of your wise and warm writing!
Thank you for being here! It means a lot to know my writing touched you in this way. This keeps me going.
"making her feel like a partner, not a wife." There is so much here. I am gonna comment on this after I've thought about it (and it relates to your post's focus), but this is a big one. Also, hands and energy and how we feel intention. Huge.
I look forward to the longer comment!
So...the concepts of what makes a husband, or wife, or partner are connected into our deepest narratives (what we learned and grew up with, but also old cultural stories). https://narrativeinitiative.org/blog/narrative-change-a-working-definition-and-related-terms/ and this division of genders, and thus our roles, becomes embedded generation after generation right? And even if we have some new stories (I think of the 1970's ad for Enjoli perfume which was all about a woman who can "bring home the bacon" but "never let her husband forget he's a man" which sort of signified the chaos that was feminism, work and home roles, and what "being a woman/wife" was) those new stories have not yet deeply supplanted the older deeper ones, so there is conflict dissonance. And that is not usually a good feeling at all.
I know in my own marriage I have struggled with feeling like the husband at many times, but also the wife (in terms of home and child labor), even as I think he and I have been quite equitable given the cultural and historical circumstances in which we were brought up. We do, for the very most part, feel like partners, but I can hear the voices pick at me about things. Like when the school nurse calls me and not him. But I'm at my high paying boss lady job, so why am I the mom when he's working from home? Etc. (we worked all that out, but it was a key example)
But there can be that weird little inner energetic response, "But am I not woman enough for you to be...or am I not man enough for you to be..." What is a wife or a husband anyway? What did it mean to her (rhetorical, you don't have to answer) and what does it mean to me.
We are seeing a huge push in the influencer world for trad relationships, finding the "divine feminine or masculine" and ads for con-artist/coaches to help you find your truly masculine mate by submitting into your divine feminine and I mean fuck that shit.
What does that even mean? It means there are huge shifts from the deeper narrative of male/female and is a terrified reaction to the expansive beauty that is trans and nonbinary! Often these trad roles are very very white as well, so there are racist/racial fears at play as well. All to make a dollar, as well, those coaches.
I mean why can't we just be more free about equal partnering and play with those power narratives within BDSM or kink or whatever? Why make it a whole cultural movement? Because the culture is still within those old, old stories.
Which are exacerbated by family stories (as you noted in your personal example, mythologies, movies, scripts, and images.
As for the energies, that's something we truly need to delve into more and more what we can feel from a person, and how it counts in the power dynamics. Our bodies know before our minds right? What is safe and good? What is creepy and bad?
A good piece, Nolan. We have so many new narratives to create to shift the old ones and I hope we all get the chance to do that and bring people along into a better world.
Thank you for sharing all this, Julie. Sometimes, I think I'm in denial about what my body says because of my analytical mind.
I sure hope a shift is coming. But there will always be people who find ways to commodify the culture and keep the power in the hegemonic class.
Our bodies can lie too-lord knows we've all kept dating someone due to what our bodies wanted, even if our minds (and friends) were like dump that one. But I do think our bodies can tell us important information and at best we cross check and see where the dissonance is coming from.
As for the hegemonic jerks, they've always existed, which is why we find our heresies and push for them. Off to the "real" job.
Great read, Nolan. I learned a lot about subjects I know little to nothing about. Keep up the fantastic writing on @Born Without Borders. James
Nolan,
This piece is phenomenal. Honest, thought-provoking as always, and sincere. And there’s vulnerability here. Applause!
Thank you, Renée!
a) oh wow. thank you for the shout- out. I considered only yesterday but now I have this
b) perfect place to say that sometimes I would be, like "Nolan, what did you do, you just showed me Another Great writer to read, omg, I'm spending here so much time already, have mercy"-but you have none, lol, and I read more and more. It's not only you-but yeah, you're there, very prominently. As a writer and as a..ok I suck at physics. But some very clever explanation of a conductor(or semi-conductor?) was meant to be here.
c) (why it's always letters with me? I also tend to forget their order after, like, five) I thought when younger there are 3 people inside me. One was a kid, a little boy, and I liked being him the most. Another one was a woman(or an older girl, doesn't matter). She was more of a dangerous force. I myself could hardly predict her. She appeared later as well.
Yet another one was old, and had no gender. He(?) would be very ancient part. Wise. And observing.
Then I thought: it's just me.
Then at some point I read some Freud's work and was "oh actually it's a bit like his Id, Ego, and Superego".
Now I think "not exactly"
d) I was at reiki once-didn't want myself, but sorta was asked to try. Friend of a family.
I don't know what happenned there but I became close to sobbing. It was scary. I never went back. Never thought about it much either. Now when reading I think-maybe there are others, you know? fourth, fifth, sixth? reiki almost let them break through?
e?) how on Earth do you do that-I always share here some stuff I wasn't going to, or at least not in public comments? nobody needs it as well.
some other letter) interestingly, Judaism recognises 6 genders (minimum) and that's only going by something that can be observed and measured, to a degree. Learned about it recently
?) I started writing about how I don't like circles either. and then remembered that if by any chance I lead them and kids are really little it's okay. And I need to think why is that. Maybe because it's much more of geniune wonder involved, right from the get-go?
Thank you, and as always-I am sorry. For leaving a long-winded comment. Should take it as my signature already.
I'll take the long comments as your signature! You have a style nobody else can replicate. And “Judaism recognises 6 genders (minimum).” I had no idea! I will look into that some more. I'm surprised more people don't bring that up in the conversations around gender.
Thank you for the mention. Honored to be included and hope it’s widened your audience further.
This was a beautiful piece. I understand some things better because of it. About myself, my partner, and more of the world around me. I hope all that find you learn as much.
Thank you, Lisa!
I'm sorry to hear of your break up, but so glad you have Jua in your life.
Thanks, Michael! We're figuring it out and living apart for a while. We actually never had a chance to date. We pretty much lived together since the day we met because we got quarantined together.
Whoa, that's a lot for a new relationship to stand up under.
I think we might be, Kimia! “Faith, coincidence, luck—I don't know.” Whatever it is, it’s definitely opening up creative ideas.