How Friendship Differs Across Cultures

A life full of questions that turned into theories

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

• Do friends come and go?

• Do friends need to pay you back with gifts?

• Are friends required to provide advice and practical support? 

• How many friends do you have?

• Who do you share your life’s story with?

• Is it possible to live a life without enemies? 

You might think it depends on the level of friendship. A good friend will pay for your food, whereas a best friend will eat your food. A good friend will stop you from doing something stupid, but a best friend will do it with you. And so on.

But reactions to these jokes and answers depend on culture. Yes, friendships are universal, but the ways they form and function are not.

Universally, friendships positively impact health (mental and physical) and can give you a sense of purpose and control over one’s life.¹ However, friend networks can also increase the chances of substance abuse, smoking, and obesity.²

These findings make sense. My friends are why I’ve climbed higher mountains, questioned more beliefs, made it through heartache, forgotten too many nights, woken up in strangers’ basements (yes, plural), and ended up in different cities by accident.

… But let’s continue with what’s universal.

No matter the culture, most of us are subject to the mere exposure effect (we like people we see more often).³ People tend to be attracted to those similar to them (socioeconomic background, religion, interests, personality, and so on).⁴ Plus, attractive people have an easier time making friends.⁵ Of course, there are individual exceptions, but these findings are true across cultures.

What varies, however, is what is expected from a friend, how quick we are to drop a friend, how easy it is to get into the inner circle, how many friends we have, how often we socialize, how we socialize, and who we consider enemies.

Before we get into all that, we need to understand the four elementary forms of relationships.

1. Communal sharing. In communal sharing, every person is treated the same and has identical rights and privileges as every other group member. The resources tend to be pooled as belonging to the larger whole that transcends each member. This is common in many Western family households.

   Some Westerners might comment, “This is BS! I was a middle child, and I can guarantee equal rights and privileges don’t exist. My family forgot me in a park after a game of hide-and-seek. Twice!” I’m sorry to hear that. Apparently, the researchers forgot about middle children as well.

   But now that I’ve taken this brave stance for the unnoticed let’s continue.

2. Authority-ranking. Relationships and people are linearly ordered along a hierarchical social dimension. People with higher ranking have prestige and privileges that those with lower ranking do not; however, subordinates are often entitled to protection and care from those above. This is common in families and organizations from more hierarchical cultures than egalitarian. Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and Korea, for example.

   “Where was my protection in the park!” This research is BS!

   Huh, I missed that. Anyway.

3. Equality-matching is based on balance and reciprocity. People keep track of what is exchanged and are motivated to pay people back in equivalent terms. Although equality-matching is the least familiar of the four relational structures to Westerners, it is common in many cultures worldwide.

   Equality matching is emphasized more in many traditional subsistence societies around the world, where elaborate rituals are often involved in the reciprocal exchange of equally valued goods. For example, among the Trobriand Islanders, men take long, dangerous, open-ocean journeys to exchange shell necklaces with no "practical" value. Later on, the person who received the necklace must go on a similarly dangerous journey to exchange a similarly valued (and not especially practical) gift. Likewise, East Asians also show stronger motivations for equality matching—they are more likely than North Americans to be reluctant to accept gifts because of their obligation to reciprocate the gesture.⁶

4. Market pricing is distinctive as it concerns proportionality and ratios. All the features of benefits that are exchanged can be reduced to a single underlying dimension, usually money. Similar to equality matching, people expect to ultimately receive something equivalent to what they have been given; however, in market pricing, both sides of the exchange usually occur at once, and different kinds of goods can be exchanged. For example, I can purchase your pound of coffee with a sack of flour and six seashells because we have calculated that both sides of the transaction are equal in value. Because market pricing can operate without close relations between two individuals, it is prevalent in more individualistic societies.⁷

Of course, all four of these can happen in a single relationship. At a family dinner, each person might be allowed to eat until they’re satisfied (communal sharing), the father might sit at the head of the table (authority ranking), and each person gets the same amount of dessert (equality matching). And a child might be paid $1.00 each time they unload the dishwasher (market pricing). However, by age twelve, I learned this last example is very North American.

“You have the brutaliteit to ask for money voor je eigen familie te helpen,” said my father with indignation in his voice and pain in his eyes.

“I just know a lot of kids who get paid for chores,” I muttered.

“And do you also know a lot of kids who visit een nieuw land each year? Do you also know a lot of kids die elke avond samen met hun familie dineren? This fucking sick culture.

“I didn’t choose to live here.”

“You should be ashamed.”

And I was. I was sick with shame and confusion. What kind of sicko accepts money in return for helping loved ones? Why do the other parents promote this? Why do families eat in front of the TV? How do my parents have time to cook every night?

Several years later, the questions only increased. Why are some Canadian parents charging their kids rent the second they turn 18? Why is my Spanish buddy still living at home at 30? Why did my friend send me a bill down to the cent when he was a student? Why did that same friend not offer to pitch in once he was rich? Why was I attracted to his bluntness, but mine ended the friendship? When is it someone’s culture or socioeconomic situation, and when is someone just an asshole?

You can find some of the answers in my articles for paid subscribers below.

Bonds Beyond Borders

Eurolatinish Friendships

Born Without Borders is a reader-supported guide to the craft of nonconformity, cultural psychology, travel writing and how to salir de las fronteras que impone tu mente. Both free and paid subscriptions are available. If you want to support my work and help me upgrade to more than one cabin bag, the best way is to take out a paid subscription or Buy Me a Coffee.

1. Lu, P., Oh, J., Leahy, K. E., & Chopik, W. J. (2021). Friendship Importance Around the World: Links to Cultural Factors, Health, and Well-Being. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 570839. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.570839

2. Rosenquist, J. N., Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. (2010, March 16). Social network determinants of depression. Molecular Psychiatry; Nature Portfolio. https://doi.org/10.1038/mp.2010.13

3. Heine, S., & Renshaw, K. (2002, May 1). Interjudge Agreement, Self-Enhancement, and Liking: Cross-Cultural Divergences. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin; SAGE Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202288002

4. Jamieson, D. W., Lydon, J. E., & Zanna, M. P. (1987). Attitude and activity preference similarity: Differential bases of interpersonal attraction for low and high self-monitors. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(6), 1052–1060.

5. Jhangiani, R. (2022, January 26). 7.1 Initial Attraction. Pressbooks. https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/initial-attraction/

6. Shen, H., Wan, F., & Wyer, R. S., Jr. (2011). Cross-cultural differences in the refusal to accept a small gift: The differential influence of reciprocity norms on Asians and North Americans. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(2), 271–281. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021201

7. Heine, S. J. (2015, August 28). Cultural Psychology. W. W. Norton & Company.